Let me first start by saying – I have NO idea what I am doing. I mean NONE. But, I am willing to try. I have spent a few years debating back and forth on “to blog or not to blog”, and without much effort, am now blogging. My friend, G, has sorta pushed me off the ledge and I suppose at this point I will see if I can fly. I will say that it is intimidating for me to blog because of grammar scouts and English majors, but I gave up long ago trying to figure out where to put the comma, and I am perfectly solid with who I am and my use of ALL CAPS, !!!!!!!, quotes where they do not belong, – – – and …. to break up my thoughts and other quirks who make up the me I am.
It’s a strange thing to ponder:
What do I have to say that anyone would possibly ever want to read or hear?
But the reality is, I have a lot to say, and often it’s only to myself. Career and personality wise, I tend to be the one who listens first and then guides. Maybe that will carry over into blogging, or maybe I’ll finally have an outlet for all those things I always want to say but never do. A fuse to plug into my sarcastic outlet. A way to vent without being fired from my job for something I should not have said on FB. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a loose cannon by any means, but I often hesitate with words …
Having said that, I received my daily “Notes From The Universe” email today (tut.com) and found it to be so on point:
Dang, Teresa, just because you’re a supernatural, unstoppable, manifesting machine, doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help. A lot of help. And fully expect to receive it.
That was part of “the deal,”
I have a hard time asking for help. Always have had, probably always will. Let me put this into a bit of perspective: “Hard” doesn’t adequately describe my deeply rooted stubborn bones who refuse to ask for help no matter what. I watched the movie “28 Days” with Sandra Bullock. She’s in rehab and they place a sign around her neck that says, “Confront me if I don’t ask for help”. As soon as I saw this I thought – oh Lord, that’s me.
Roof needs to be swept? I’ll do it. Lawnmower broke? If I cannot figure it out, I’ll find a trailer and haul it myself to the shop. Need a new oven? I’ll save on my own, find it on sale, find a way to haul it, haul out the old and clean it, list it for sale, install the new one. Lightbulbs. Stitches. New headlights for car. Worms for fishing. Knocking down wasps nests. Changing out the gas tank on the grill. In the lean days, if a utility was going to be shut off, I wouldn’t ask anyone for help. I’d find a way to wait out the two days until pay day and take care of it. As a single mom, I put myself through college (note – there WILL be a blog or 900 about student loan debt), and I fought against everything in the world to ever ask for help: from instructors, friends/parents for babysitters for night classes, the other parent to my kids (note – now that I am thinking about it – there will likely be blogs about ex-husband #1 as well), …. and likely, through doing this, I have taught myself to be independent and that Google is my friend, but likely, through doing this, I have cut off my nose to spite my face more than a few times.
But, I am saying all of this to say: I am learning. I am slowly learning to stop expecting so damned much from myself and to lean into others as needed. I had a moment last Wednesday where I found myself exhausted, in tears, and with a list so long I thought I might not ever recover. I did what I do best: sat back, took a breath, got a piece of paper and pen, and I made a list. The list included everything weighing on my mind. Every debt, every broken thing, every errand, every pain-in-my-ass-whatever that I had been ignoring for a few weeks. I then made a note beside each of those: not important, call ex-husband #1, ask your son to do, put on errand list, this can wait until June. …I took half a day off from work, tackled the first 11 errands, and then went home to put my house in order (this means I started laundry, cooked some soup, started an herb garden…). By the end of the day I had made several phone calls, asked for help where I found it necessary, and I was back up on the horse again and ready to ride into the sunset.
Funny thing about asking for help – people will help you. Don’t get me wrong, if you are ALWAYS asking for a handout, ALWAYS relying on others to do the work for you, sure, they will stop coming around. But for the most part, we all know that someone who can re-loop the deck belt back onto a riding lawnmower, come to your aid when you are sick and need soup and Kleenex, or just sit with you when you feel broken and need a friend.
What’s your weakness when it comes to ask for help?
(OMG – I just wrote my FIRST EVER BLOG POST!!!)